Monday, August 10, 2009



i have a new blog, but im keeping it secret at the moment :)

*excerpts from my pretty mixed-up life*|11:19 PM|

Thursday, August 28, 2008


the birth of my son

the moment i was dreading since college! giving birth has always scared me, but for the past few weeks i was more excited than scared. imagine meeting your son after nine months of waiting... but it was not meant to be easy. never.

tuesday morning of august 12 i was still working, because since my due date is on the 22nd, i filed my leave to begin on the 15th or 16th. but that tuesday morning, one day after our latest weekly pre-natal check up i was having mild contractions that comes and goes every ten minutes. bambi was so excited that he did not let me go to work on the afternoon! he also went home and stayed with me 'just in case'.

we have waited for three days, but still no water. we went to the hospital on the 2nd day but they told us to go back because i was still 1 cm. but on thursday night it was so painful that i was crying, it was then that bambi decided to bring me back to the hospital at 7 pm, which was a good thing, because after checking that i was still only 2 cm, they gave me enema (don't ask) and then my cervix dilated to 5-6 cm until 12 am.

i didn't expect to progress that fast, but since most of my pregnancy days were easy, i thought maybe this was going to be easy, too. but omg it was so painful and every contraction bambi has to get me to focus on breathing, because i was not suppose to push yet. but pushing lessened the pain, so even if i can't help it, if the pain is too much i pushed a little, and at 12:30 am i think i pushed my water to break.

they brought me to the delivery room to wait til i was 10 cm, because at that time i was still 6-7. bambi was still on my side telling me to focus and not to push. if it was that easy! anyways the pain was too much that i dreaded each contraction, which comes every 10 minutes, and even though how many times they tell me not to push it was the only thing that minimizes the pain so i really tried not to but i did anyway. at 1 am, even at 7 cm they tried to bring lance out because his heartbeat was slowing down, and tried to make me push when the contractions come, which is every 5-8 minutes.

so there they were, bambi, the doctor and three nurses all telling me to push and i was really confused because they told me i don't know how to 'properly' push the baby out. it also confused me that during labor it was easy to push when i wasn't allowed to, and now that i was allowed to push i don't know what else they want me to do.

i was told three times that if i still did not push the baby out properly i was going to have a caesarian. bambi was worried at that time, for the baby and me. i told the nurse that i don't want to be cut, and i will try again. at that time i know when a contraction is coming, but i didn't feel the pain anymore. for one hour and twenty minutes we were there until the doctor took out the vacuum and when i (finally) tried to push with (believe me) all my might, she vacuumed lance's head out and there he was! all wrinkly and small and crying so loud!

that was 2:22, although the nurses said 2:20... my baby was finally born, 13 days after my birthday, 2 days before our 2nd wedding anniversary.

bambi was crying, and i was... well, i didn't know what i felt at that time. he kissed me and he was so happy running around the place talking with the nurses. for me, it was certainly not like what maricel said (she said at that time you will feel like every pain was lifted and all your problems are gone), and even when they showed him to me i was still confused that all i said was "he's all wrinkled...?!?"

they said it was normal because he was submerged for the past nine months. they took him to the next room to clean and place him in an incubator because (as i have read in his file) he has irregular respiration due to the long process of getting him out. poor guy. i was really sorry that it took that long.

anyways the pain was not over yet. i was still there til 3, i think, for the stitches and cleaning... bambi stayed til four then he went home to sleep and came back at 10. lance was with me already, and bambi carried him all the time he was there.

after 2 days we went home, and started looking out for lance on our own. it was freaking me out not to have the nurses at our side just in case i have a question, but bambi was a natural.

since i can't move a lot he was the one who took care of lance and did everything. we were still in a daze, we were suppose to go back to the hospital on the 19th for lance's checkup, but when we went there the nurses said "it's still 18!" lol...

anyways the good thing with american mission hospital is that they are very accommodating and not so strict. they checked him up anyway.

so for now im still at home. bambi returned to work one week after but for me, not until october.

lance is getting heavier each time i carry him.

our routine for the past few days were the same: we wake up at 12 (because we didn't sleep properly all three of us), bambi will go to work, lance and i will eat and then go back to sleep. by the time bambi comes back at 10 we'll eat and ill sleep earlier, lance and daddy will stay up til 3 or four, and by that time bambi will sleep and i will stay up...

at seven days he was rolling in his bed.

after 12 days lance's umbilical dropped off, and one day after that my stitches dissolved.

in his less than two week's existence lance has been smiling and crying in his sleep, but not until this afternoon that i thought he was crying in his sleep again, but when i checked him, he was actually laughing! i laughed, too, because i was wondering what he was dreaming about!

sigh... they said this phase was the easy part. we have to wait for one month and then the real sleep-deprivation starts...

my boys...

i would really like to thank God for helping me through it all. it was shameful that i forgot to pray until the last two minutes of my childbirth, i was really sorry about that. but He still helped me. and He still does, even of my shortcomings. thank you Jesus... You really are the only one who could help me.

*excerpts from my pretty mixed-up life*|6:02 PM|

Sunday, June 22, 2008


inip na inip na 'ko...

mag e-eight months na ko sa thursday, pero feeling ko ang tagaaaal-tagal ko nang buntis. inip na inip na ko sa kondisyon kong lagi na lang kailangang mag ingat kasi naiinis ako pag nakakalimutan ko!

ang hirap mag adjust pag mabilis ka kumilos tapos ngayon kailangan slow motion lahat. minsan nawawala sa isip ko na hindi pwedeng umupo ng mabilis, o maglakad ng mabilis, o kumilos ng mabilis. tulad nung muntik nang malaglag yugn macbook ko, super salo pa ko, e nakalimutan kong malaki pala ang tyan ko. hindi naman ako nagbend, so sa tingin ko wala namang masamang nangyari sa baby, pero kinabahan pa rin ako kasi tumigas yung tyan ko sandali... yiii...

naabutan pa nga ako ni bambi na umiiyak nung isang biyernes. ang takot nya naman daw. kala nya kung ano. bakit ako umiiyak? kase hirap na hirap ako kumilos nung araw na yon. lahat nalalaglag, sa panahong hirap na hirap ka yumuko o magbend para kunin yung mga bagay na nasa sahig. sa office lahat ng nalalalaglag sinusumpa ko. kasi ang hirap kumilos! tapos nung araw na yun wala na akong masuot dahil either masikip o hanging na sila. kaya ang ginawa ni bambi pinasuot nya sakin yung mga damit nya.

cute daw. anong cute, mukha akong lalaking malaki ang tyan kakainom. ayoko nga magsuot ng mga panlalaking damit pag buntis ako e. gusto ko mga pambabae. simula nung pinatanggal nya sakin yung tongue ring ko nawalan na ko ng interes maging rakista. kaya last month tinanggal ko na rin yung mga hikaw at singsing ko.

sabi ni eyang wag daw ako umiyak kasi baka isipin ng baby ko na ayoko sa kanya. hindi naman sa ganon. nakakafrustrate lang talaga minsan.

di bale ilang araw na lang. siguro kaya ako naiinip kasi excited na excited na kong makita ang baby ko. lagi nga akong nangangarap na nilalaro sya e. ano kayang itsura nya, sinong kamukha nya, at ano kaya ang mangyayari samin ni bambi ngayong 3 na kami.

tatlo na kami? in seven years solo lang namin ang isa't isa tapos sa august tatlo na kami... nakakatakot na nakakaexcite...

na nakakakaba. pano kaya manganak? iniisip ko, sa 6 billion na tao sa mundo ngayon, 6 billion times na nanganak ang mga babae, so bakit ako matatakot? in 10,000 years, napaka-common na dapat ang panganganak. bakit sya nakakatakot?

pero kung kaya ni shasha, kung kaya ni alot, kung kaya ng mama ni bambi at ng mama ko na magtotally drug-free at solohin lahat ng sakit ng homebirth, bakit ako matatakot kung sa ospital pa nga ako manganganak?

pinapapanatag ko na lang ang sarili ko at iniisip na kasama ko naman si bambi kaya di ako dapat matakot. at least meron akong pipigain na braso pag hindi ko na kaya ang sakit. merong magsasabi na kaya ko. at merong mas mauuna pang mahimatay sakin pag nakakita ng dugo HAHAHA!

*excerpts from my pretty mixed-up life*|11:31 AM|

Monday, June 02, 2008


7 years, and im still madly in love with him


ang sarap talaga mag reminisce ng past lalo na pag love story nyo ang pinag uusapan... minsan hanggang madaling araw nagkukwentuhan kami.

naisip ko ngayong hapon bago ako matulog, ang dami na pala naming napagdaanan. kung iisipin, ilang beses na rin kaming naghiwalay. distance-wise huh... dahil isang beses lang kaming nagbreak in 7 years - nung nagpunta ako ng dubai at pinaranoid ng lola ko si bambi.

naiyak nga ako kasi naalala ko nung paalis ako papuntang dubai, ang hirap talaga umalis sa naia airport. lumabas pa ko ulit tapos wala na sya don (sya lang kasi mag-isa ang naghatid sakin) at bumaba pa ko sa arrival para habulin sya. at mas lalo ko lang palang pinahirapan ang sarili ko kasi mas lalong masakit yung yakapin ka nya uli at alam mong matagal pa uli bago mo maramdaman yung yakap nya...

although hindi yun ang first time na nagkahiwalay kami kasi 2 months pa lang kami noon nung pumunta sya ng boracay for 1 month... ang hirap pag magkausap kayo sa phone at alam nyong pareho kayong nakatingin sa buwan, pero ang layo ng distance nyo sa isa't isa...

ang hirap din pigilin ng luha nung umuwi ako sa pilipinas galing bahrain. hindi ako makalingon sa kanya dahil alam kong tutulo lang ang luha ko pag lumingon pa ko uli.

yan ang mga moments na nagpapaalala sakin kung gano ako kaswerte at kasama ko ang asawa ko ngayon. naranasan ko na kung gano kahirap pag malayo kayo sa isa't isa. super hirap, kaya maraming nagbe-break dahil hindi mo maiiwasang masaktan sa simpleng katotohanan na malayo sya sayo.

pero aside from those things, marami din akong naalalang magaganda. yung first kisses, yung super sweet na first few months... nung hinahatid nya ko sa lyceum..

pero pag naaalala namin ang past, walang makakatalo sa 'kung pano kami nagkakilala'... kahit paulit ulit di namin maiwasang mapangiti at kiligin pag naalala namin yung unang beses kaming nag usap...

summer non, kaya asa labas ako ng bahay ng tita ko, me semento kasi doon na mahilig namin upuan ng mga kaberks... at napadaan sya.

siguro isang linggo na kaming nagkikita pero hindi kami nag-uusap. kaya nabuo ang pangalang bambi starlight dahil alam ng mga pinsan ko na crush ko sya. so dapat me code name! sya ang pinakamaingay sa court, pinakamakulit at pinaka-cute! hindi nya ko nilalapitan kaya naisip kong magpatono ng gitara para lumapit sya. naks, me tactics! anyways hindi pa rin sya lumapit dahil kuya nya na ang andon... nahiya daw sya. ngayon lang nya inamin na gusto nya rin palang makipag-usap...

so pagdaan nya, buti na lang medyo lasing sya, kasi kung hindi, alam kong di sya hihinto sa tapat ng bahay ng tita ko. dahil sa alak syempre... confident na sya nung gabing yon. pero hindi sya smelly no...

summer non ha, pero nanginginig ako sa lamig... ganon pala yun. hindi ko makakalimutan kung ano yung naramdaman ko nung gabing yon, kasi di ko na sya uli naramdaman kahit kelan sa buhay ko. kaya napaka-magical ng gabing yon para sakin. kahit nag usap lang naman kami.

don nya ko tinanong kung pwede nya ko sunduin sa lyceum. at dun na kami nag umpisa. ang sarap ng may nanliligaw sayo no? me nagpapasalubong ng siopao, me nagse-save ng upuan, me tagapaypay ng lamok...

siguro sinagot ko sya after two weeks. para sakin ang bilis non, pero at that time alam kong first and last love ko na sya.

sabi nya, yun ang mga moments na hindi nya mapigilang mapangiti pag naaalala. nakikita nya na kasi ako simula bata pa lang. crush nya na nga ako non e.. pero nung lumalaki na kami hindi na kami masyadong nagkikita kasi sa nanay ko kami tumira. mga ilang street lang naman ang layo pero hindi katulad ng sa tatay ko kami nakatira na ilang bahay lang ang layo namin sa kanila.

pwera na lang pag uwian ko nung highschool, pag napapadaan ako sa court nila pauwi samin, lagi nyang tinatanong ang pinsan ko. lagi lagi. 'tin, si bonbon?' ang lagi kong maririnig habang nagbabasketball sya. akala ko gusto nya lang talagang malaman kung anong nangyayari sa kuya ko na kaklase nya dati, pero style nya lang daw pala yun.

tomboy ako non, at galit sa mundo. kaya hindi ko sya pinapansin. kung alam ko lang na sya pala ang mapapangasawa ko at magiging tatay ng anak ko, ano kaya ang ginawa ko?

nung college kinuha uli kami ng papa ko. at di na ko tomboy non haha. kaya nya ko napansin dahil rugged daw ako manamit, at ang ganda ng buhok ko, zenki nga ang tawag nya don. pero higit sa lahat, ang simple simple ko daw.

nung una nya uli akong nakita, paalis ako ng bahay ng tita ko, dahil dun kami nirelocate ng papa ko, sa bakanteng kwarto don. sabi nya nung paakyat ako ng court noon ang moment na hindi nya makakalimutan. dahil nagbabasketball daw sya at pagbaba ng tingin nya pagkatapos nya magshoot, ako daw ang nakita nya. sabi nya 'aba... gumanda sya!'... saka sya tinamaan ng bola dahil sa kakatingin sakin.

nung nag usap kami sa tapat ng bahay ng tita ko, hindi rin daw nya maiwasang kiligin pag naaalala nya yun. lalo na yung part na binabato ko sya ng papel... parang bata no.

ang dami naming theme songs. mga isang buwan pagkatapos ko syang sagutin nagdala sya ng napalaki ang napakalumang song book na ang daming magagandang kanta. lagi kaming naggigitara at nagkakantahan non.

pag me lakad ang tropa, lagi kaming magkasama. swimming lagi yun sa laguna. o di kaya sa batangas.

siguro me mas romantic pang love story kesa samin, pero lagi kong sinasabi, kahit papiliin ako ng ibang buhay, ito pa rin ang pipiliin ko dahil alam kong darating sya sa buhay ko...

alam ko mahaba pa ang panahon at marami pang pwedeng mangyari. pero in seven years na kasama ko sya ang pinakamasaya sa buhay ko...

*excerpts from my pretty mixed-up life*|11:20 AM|

Thursday, May 22, 2008


currently 6 months and three weeks!

i am so lazy in blogging... im suppose to chronicle what's happening every month but ... oh well, i'll just do it tomorrow. anyways...

my baby kicks 24/7... im making a fetal kick chart and he kicks more than 100 times in one day! taking after his daddy of course, the ultimate hyper-active person ever... bambi finally felt it three nights ago and he was surprised coz he kicks so hard...

and yes, it's a boy! we had a lab exam last week and my little angel yawned for us while we were taking a peek at the sonogram. and while we were at our monthly check up it was our doctor's turn to see how naughty he was coz he keeps kicking and dr susan has to look at another area of my tummy three times to check his heartbeat...

im surfing youtube for westlife. two days ago i heard one song from them and 5 hours later i've downloaded their first two albums and gosh do i miss my college days when i was so pathetically infatuated with them. i was the ultimate westlife fan back then. my classmates in lyceum would first call me westlife before knowing my real name. i'd buy everything, the songbook with the smallest feature, photos that costs P25 each.. i would literally sacrifice my book money just to buy a magazine, or an album, and when i listened to their songs last night i felt like i was back in time... i totally love their songs... and i thought mark was the cutest irish person ever... nicky's second...



mark is gay? and i've wasted most of my college money for posters and magazines... songbooks and stuff?

i just found out 3 minutes ago because i lost interest in westlife after their first two albums... and haven't heard from them - or didn't look for them ever since...

sigh... i really thought he was cute...

oh well... if it wasn't for him i wouldn't have discovered charcoal painting... fair enough!

*excerpts from my pretty mixed-up life*|9:56 PM|

[[ rEbELLE hEaRt ]]

female + leo + brown eyes + black hair + lover + fighter + listener + whiner extraordinaire + clumsy + emotional + private + quiet + fickle + wanderer + big dreamer + loner + reader + writer + graphic designer + artist - charcoal, watercolor, pencil, illustrator & photoshop + scribble freak + anti-procrastinator + unpredictable + reliable

[[ mY LifE ]]

has a very baaad memory + a big scaredy-cat + creatively inclined, but terribly unmotivated at times + efficient whenever passionate + skeptical sometimes + want to learn how to drive + college dropout (hahaha!) + most of the time confused + angsty + believes in karma + thinks bambi is yummy + blaring headphones when working resulted to inability to hear people sometimes + laid back + forget faces, remember names + has mild oc tendencies + trying to escape reality at most times + still looking for inner peace + terribly afraid to see supernatural things

[[ mY mEss ]]

shopping + sleeping + drawing + hp + green tea + cold pizza + pasta + fries + jackie chan + fight club + hale + pucca + r&b, soul & acoustic - not a music-lover, but a sound-tripper + candles + photography + guitar + painting + charmed + itunes

[[ mY buSiNEss ]]

life goals... to kick ass and drive a 2-door m&m-yellow-colored lancer

[[ previous posts ]]

[[ ...& aLL soRts of cRap in BetwEEN ]]

[[ History ]]

  • july 2004
  • august 2004
  • september 2004
  • october 2004
  • november 2004
  • december 2004
  • january 2005
  • february 2005
  • march 2005
  • april 2005
  • may 2005
  • june 2005
  • september 2005
  • november 2005